


Darkness

by biowhathaveyoudone



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 05:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4906663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biowhathaveyoudone/pseuds/biowhathaveyoudone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before the final battle, a familiar adversary comes creeping into Leha Brosca's mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness

Leha Brosca sat on the edge of her bed in Redcliffe Castle, staring at her hands. They shook ever so slightly. After so many years of her hands being as steady as the Stone that surrounded her, of needing them to be that steady, the tiny tremors seemed large enough to separate her hands from her wrists. They had been moving, attempting to stop the Blight unendingly for weeks, months. Even now, Alistair and Morrigan were together to perhaps aid them, something so bizarre she couldn’t even picture it. As unbelievable as that was, the magic behind it was even more so. She didn’t understand how it could work. To be fair, she had enough trouble trying to wrap her mind around regular magic, let alone something as old and complicated as this ritual. Morrigan had faith in it. Leha certainly did not. So if the ritual might not work, the killing blow couldn’t be left to chance. If Riordan fell, and he said it himself, he was the oldest, the Taint in his veins for so long. Did it affect your abilities, your fighting skills by that point? She still knew so little about the Wardens. But she knew who of the three of them would be the last to take the blow. She may not have made Alistair king, to his eternal gratitude, but his blood still held some weight. And with him pushing the Grey Wardens after the Blight was defeated, the Order had a chance to recover.

She was nothing. Had always been nothing. The brand on her cheek had said that for her. She knew better than to allow her mind to wander undistracted when she was exhausted, stressed, worried. It always led here, the darkness that curled inside her freeing itself when she didn’t have the strength to keep it at bay. She felt it tug at her thoughts and could only close her eyes against it. Nothing. As much as she had something to fight for, it didn’t change that fact. She always had a reason to fight. For the longest time it had been her sister. Now Rica was lying to herself in the palace of Orzammar with the king’s son. The reason she fought now was so similar and so different from before. Love. No matter how she had danced around the word when Zevran had confessed to her, and he had done dancing of his own, she knew in her gut, in her heart, that’s what it was. She loved him and after Morrigan had slapped her with the thought of him losing her like he had Rinna, Leha had no way of turning the witch away. But still it remained, whispered in the back of her mind, no matter her ties to Orzammar royalty, she was nothing. By the Stone, she didn’t want to die. And that in itself was an entirely new feeling, only adding to her distress. Before, it had always been practical to stay alive. Staying alive meant her sister would stay alive, wouldn’t have to live the life she had been forced to live. She had finally gotten to the point in her life where she actively wanted to live, had a reason to that beat so strongly in her heart, and she might die tomorrow.

She hadn’t realized Zevran had entered the room until his hand slid into hers, hadn’t realized she was crying until he brushed the tears from her face.

“Amora, you’re so tired,” he said softly as he crouched by her, concern etched into every line on his face.

“Please don’t Zev… I can’t… Please just…” She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulled his lips to hers. She couldn’t speak about any of it, had always struggled to speak of any of that darkness even to him. But this… She’d break. She couldn’t break now.

As concerned as he was, there had been times where he had ignored stress, problems, feelings with pleasure and wouldn’t deny her that now of all times. Before long, she was trembling under his fingers in an entirely different way than before he had walked in the room. It was achingly tender, words left unspoken put into touches, kisses, gasps. When they had finished, she turned into him closer than normal and his arms curled around her tighter in response.

She had known she wouldn’t find sleep easily and too soon after, the warmth he always brought her began to slip away as the darkness snuck and curled into her mind, her heart. Even long after, as his breathing began to deepen and he fell into sleep, his arms still tight around her, she fought the doubt, the worry, the dark. Failing to quiet it, she pressed her face against his chest and wept silently.

But giving in only made it worse. Soon, she felt her fingers begin to tremble again. She choked back a sob, desperately trying to stop it. She’d wake Zev. She couldn’t even give him this small moment of peace before… But the shaking only spread. She could see her hands quivering as she pressed them against her chest, afraid trying to move out of his grasp, still tight around her, would wake him. When her teeth started to chatter, she knew she couldn’t stop it, had too much experience to tell her otherwise. He had never seen her like this. No one had. She had never allowed it. The nights it came so bad in Orzammar, she’d sneak out in the night, find a dark corner and wait until it passed, rocking and retching and clutching her head until she felt her nails pierce skin in an effort to keep herself sane. Every instinct in her body wanted her to run, to hide. He couldn’t see her like this. He _couldn’t._ Weak. Worthless.

But before she could bolt, his arms tightened. He was comforting before he even fully woke.

“Shhhh. Shhhh Leha. My lovely Leha,” he crooned as he ran a hand up and down her back. “Mi bella amora. Va bene cariño. Va bene.” Her breathing shortened as she felt tears prick almost painfully at her eyes. She had woken him up. He was seeing her like this. She had ruined everything. She shrank back, knees drawing up towards her chest. She dropped her eyes to her knees so she wouldn’t see the realization cross his face, the disappointment and betrayal at how weak she was. But her knees were pressed against his stomach and she saw it still for a moment, the shock of seeing her stopping his breathing for that moment. Pain burst inside her chest as she squeezed her eyes closed. Useless. Worthless. Noth…

“Leha.” She shuddered hard at the sound of his voice, hoarse with an emotion she couldn’t figure out. She felt her trembling redouble, her breath shaking as it hissed out between chattering teeth.

“Oh,” he breathed. She flinched. Such a small word to be filled with so much pain. She hadn’t meant… had never wanted…

“Cara amora…” Her eyes flew open. She had misheard. She had to. There was no way, _no way_ he could have said that, so soft, so caring to her. Not now. Not… His hand slid warm down her back, rubbing in small circles, still looking to soothe. Oh so tender Antivan slid from his lips. He tried to get her to respond to him even while allowing her the space she had given herself when she had drawn up her knees. Though the tears had never stopped, she felt them sting painfully at her eyes again. It wasn’t possible. He wouldn’t… No one would… Who _could_ when she was so weak? She couldn’t stop her own mind how could she stop an archdemon? His voice was growing more distraught as she didn’t respond, her tears flowed faster, her shaking continued. She wanted to answer him, wished with all her might she wasn’t broken, wasn’t wrong, wasn’t worthless. He deserved more. So much more. So much more than her.

“Leha!” So urgent. For her. He was here, still here for her.

“I’m here Leha. I’m right here.” His voice was desperate, no, _he_ was desperate. He had pushed so hard on the last word, his voice almost broke. Something inside her let go.

The next moment, she had grabbed onto his arms, her fingers curling tight around his biceps.

“Si. Si, amora. That’s it Leha.” He was so relieved even as she still shook, her head buried against his chest. “Right here, I’m right here.” Her fingers curled until she knew she had to be hurting him, but though she couldn’t stop herself, he never flinched, never pulled away. Instead, he pulled her closer. Slowly, her knees dropped back down. _She_ was the one who inched closer until his arm came around her waist, pulling her tight against him. Her mind whirled so fast, she couldn’t even decipher what she was feeling. Lost, she clung to him, her light against the darkness.

Just as she thought she was safe, her darkness loomed, snatching her away from the light she had built in her mind. How long until he gets tired of this? You think he’ll stay forever? This will _always_ happen. You heard how upset he was. You would put him through that? Her grip began to relax around his arms.

“Amora.” Her fingers twitched. Her mind paused.

“Cariño. Leha.” Her eyes squeezed shut. She didn’t know what to do. Her stomach flipped and she froze. No. Not this. She felt her darkness creep, close in around the light he had given her. Her breath caught as she felt a tingle under her tongue. She swallowed, tried to force it away. Her stomach heaved in response and a part of her mind swore she could feel it trembling as badly as she was.

“Here we go, amora,” he said gently, tugging her towards the side of the bed. “Right over here.” It was only when he had her almost off the bed that she realized what was going on. With his help, she staggered the short distance to the chamber pot. The sight of it made the tingle under her tongue grow and she fell to her knees by it. While trying to swallow again, her body rebelled and she gagged. It was all it took for the storm to arrive. He never moved from her side through it all. His fingers were gentle as he gathered her hair back, always reaching for the strands that fell loose. Her stomach shook and heaved, but she brought nothing up, each round of retching only draining her more until he had to hold her up, her muscles unable to handle the assault of the tremors and dry heaving.

When finally, finally the retching slowed, became nothing more than hiccups he gently guided her up until she was sitting as he was, moving so her head could rest against his shoulder, her shoulder against his chest. She still shook weakly, but she hoped she had come to the end.

“Leha. Lovely Leha,” he murmured. She managed to straighten, turning her head to look at him as if she was only beginning to realize how long he had been there. There was still worry, so much of it, in his eyes, but a tiny, soft smile tugged at his lips as she looked at him.

“Amora. Bella guerrera.” He had only whispered it but somehow the words sang into the room, danced in the silence. Reaching forward, he brushed her hair back, out of her face. She felt tears prick at her eyes again, but no longer for the same reason as before. He was still here. He was seeing her now, at her worst, and he didn’t budge from her side. No questions, no disapproval, nothing but care, worry, and more. His fingers dipped down to brush against the small earring she wore. His earring.

“Leha…” He saw her, saw all of her like no one had before, and it only made him care more. She surged forward, wrapping her arms around his neck as tears came once more unbidden, but no longer unwelcome. If she had surprised him, he gave no indication as he murmured softly in Antivan to her, holding her somehow gently and tightly at the same time. The curling darkness inside her began to recede, forced back by the warmth, the light in her chest.

“You saw it,” she whispered, the first words she had spoken since long before. There was a pause. She felt him swallow.

“I did.”

“You didn’t leave.” His arms tightened reflexively around her. There was no pause before his words this time.

“ _Never.”_

“Zev…” She didn’t say anything else. She couldn’t. Instead, she buried her face into the crook of his neck, feeling his pulse beat against her nose, breathing in his scent, surrounding herself in his warmth. She didn’t feel exhaustion creep up on her, didn’t notice when she finally relaxed and sank into sleep. Zevran brushed his lips against her forehead, turning his head as little as possible so he wouldn’t wake her. So much strength in such a small body. He held her close, watching over her until the room started to lighten. Only then did he close his eyes again, leaning his head against hers, and joined her in sleep for the last few hours they had before the final battle.

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon Antivan as a mixture of Italian and Spanish. I hope it makes sense.  
> Mi bella amora: my beautiful love  
> Va bene: It's okay  
> Cariño: sweetheart (term of endearment)  
> Cara amora: dear love  
> Bella guerrera: beautiful fighter (he is speaking more towards how she fights against that part of herself every day and he didn't truly know until this night. He is in awe.)


End file.
